If I had a dime for every time...

If I had a dime for every time...

My friend Andi (she blogs beautifully at both Estella's Revenge and NonCompliance Network) asked, via Twitter, why one might purchase "colon cleansing tea;" at first I laughed but, before I could respond, suddenly realized that it sounds like something I've probably owned. I said as much and she responded, "good point."

When I think back (I try not to...just sickening) over how much money I've spent on things like this - diet pills, meal plans, weight loss programs, supplements, exercise programs, books, detoxes, juices, ready-to-eat meals, powders, etc. - it really illuminates the extent of my dependence upon outside sources for personal fulfillment.

There are many reasons why I've purchased things like this: to find a "quick fix" (Lose 10 pounds in 30 days! Get rid of that belly fat! You deserve a bikini body! Eat clean and get lean!); to feel better about myself; to control my eating/follow a strict regimen; to please others by purchasing their product/service.

If I funneled all of this money into race bibs, running gear and airline tickets, I'd be set for life; there's no way I could tell you where it's all gone. I have a rather embarrassingly hefty collection of exercise DVDs, equipment and books related to this quest for body image perfection; otherwise, it's disappeared into the ether. 

Don't laugh...you know you want one of these.

Don't laugh...you know you want one of these.

On the very same day that I scheduled my first appointment with the healthcare provider who is helping me through this process, I came frighteningly close to spending $60 on another meal plan. You know what the worst part is? I'M STILL CURIOUS!! What's in there? What's she saying that I should/should not eat? How many/few calories should I be eating? Carbs? Protein? Fat? Percentages? Hello? Anyone? 

I've already mentioned that it's race week and that I'm usually hyper vigilant about my eating habits, restricting and controlling during this period; I really, really want to whip out my phone and start tabulating on apps like My Fitness Pal, Weight Watchers, Lose It, et. al. Fortunately, my person has required me to remove all of those apps from my phone so it's now too much trouble.

In addition, I've stopped wearing various "fitness trackers;" I have both the Fitbit Charge HR and the Jawbone UP3; again, more wasted dollars. I run an average, taken over the past twelve months, of 35 miles per week; I think I'm getting enough "steps," thank you. I used to tell myself that I wore these because I really liked the silent, vibrating alarm, and I do, but if I'm honest it's merely another way to not be kind to myself.

So, I'm making a pledge: no more purchases like these, for any reason, under any circumstances. I am a relatively intelligent human being; I have been fortunate enough to receive a college education (and then some); I read a lot; I know which types of foods provide proper nutrition for my body. This is ridiculous.

I am going to try to reattach my head to my shoulders, listen to my body and bring awareness to what I need, not what may be right for others. There is no instruction manual, no matter how badly I'd like one, and I've got to learn navigate this new place without a road map.

My big, scary goal for Saturday.

My big, scary goal for Saturday.

Eligible by Curtis Sittenfeld

Eligible by Curtis Sittenfeld