I haven't tried everything.
While trying to determine the beginning of my reckless and disordered thinking, I recall that I became aware of my "fatness" at age eight during a shopping trip for new school clothes. Until that time, I was aware of the fact that I was larger than other kids in my grade, especially other girls, but I didn't think much of it.
When I was around 10-11 years of age, my parents bought a new home and my room was upstairs; that was the time that I remember "smuggling" food into my room to eat by myself. These were "bad" foods, foods that shouldn't be eaten by little fat girls.
At the age of 12, I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting; I'll never forget that coveted little paper book onto which a kindly woman would stamp the date and my weight each week. If I did what I was supposed to do, ate only the allowed exchanges and drank all of my water, I might even get a colored foil star.
I've been on a diet since then and I'm pretty sure I've tried just about everything; with the advent of the internet and so many folks preaching their own, completely unscientific, brand of nutrition/fitness/meal plan, there are definitely more to choose from now than ever. I've been searching for the golden ticket and, much like Veronica, I've been willing to do many destructive things to find it.
For me, the golden ticket would mean that I could stand tall, feel confident and proud in my own skin, wear whatever I want and know that I look good. Not just good, y'all...gooood, you know?
Almost two weeks ago, as I picked up my phone to log in my food, again, on a tracking app, I decided that I'd had enough. I decided that, come hell or high water, I was not going to "watch" what I eat. What's the worst that could happen? I'll gain 10 or 20 pounds? Hell, I've already been there and back more times than I can count.
I've enlisted the assistance of a medical professional who is trained in guiding folks like me, disordered thinkers and eaters, along the path to a different kind of golden ticket; a scarier one, that already feels a little out of my control, but I'm trying the one thing that I haven't tried...NOT being on a diet.